My Story… Part Six (Trigger Warning)

Originally posted at Learn.Love.Live.

After my perp contacted me, I wrote a letter in an effort to deal with the things I was feeling. I never sent it to him and don’t plan on having him ever see it.  As hard as it is, I am going to share it with you. Be forewarned; it is intense and may trigger.

Joe (not his real name),

Where the f*** do you get off contacting me after twenty plus years? Were you seeking forgiveness? Well, I am not obligated to cleanse your soul. How dare you bring back the Hell you put me through! Did you think I had forgotten? Forgotten the taste of chewing tobacco on your kiss? Forgotten your touch on my body? Forgotten your hand over my mouth? Forgotten the pain as you ripped my insides out?

Did it make you feel like a man holding me down when I resisted? Is that how you think seduction works? I did not want you, no matter what you told yourself. I may not have been able to defend myself then, but I am no longer a child. I am not afraid of you.

Do you even know how it has tortured me? Because of you I can not sleep in a quiet room, instead I lay there and listen for your footsteps. Because of you I can’t stand the way socks feel on my feet. Because of you I won’t ever be able to experience sex without the shame of what you did there in the back of my mind.

I want you to know that even though you raped me when I was a virgin, you did NOT take my virginity. Only I can give that away and I promise you I did not GIVE it to you. What you did was not mutual. You did not introduce me to the joys of sex. You used my body for your own pleasure and didn’t give a shit what I said or how I felt.

I admit that you broke me. But don’t think for a second that it means that I am not able to love and be loved. My heart is stronger than your hands. My scars healed and they make me powerful. I can still care. Who I am is not what you did to me. I am so much more than that and so much more than you! I succeeded. I beat you. I am proof that love wins in the end!

As for my forgiveness, I gave that a long time ago. But that doesn’t mean you actually get to hear it from my lips. I do not owe you that. I do not owe you anything.

~Me

That was so hard to share. I don’t think I will be able to write a detailed post about the rape at this time. I hope you understand.

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~ by After Silence on August 27, 2009.

6 Responses to “My Story… Part Six (Trigger Warning)”

  1. You should post that on your Facebook, partially to let him know exactly how you feel, but he should be publicly identified as your rapist, because Facebook is a double edged sword – you were not his only victim. You might be surprised by what the truth unleashes on this animal.

    In any event his friends and co-workers should know what he is, hell the world should know what he is. I do agree that it must have been traumatizing for him to reach out as though what he did was nothing and it robbed you of so much. Payback is a bitch my dear and the truth does set you free, shining a light on him with be his social prison, I’d say he deserves it.

    Good luck and be happy, living well is the best revenge.

  2. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything you have been through. This was incredibly courageous for you to share. Posting this here is a huge step. I wish you the best in whatever path your healing journey leads you. ♥

    I also wanted to comment to the above post and say that I couldn’t disagree more. There isn’t anything that a survivor “should” do. Rape isn’t something that we simply get over and we shouldn’t be expected to act in any one particular way. When and if we speak out should be completely up to us and we should never feel pressured.

  3. Thank you, Lilah!

  4. oh kim… your strength overwhelms me. i feel so lucky to “know” you through this survivorship we share.

  5. How brave you are, how tough it must have been to share this! No need to ask forgiveness by your readers for what you wat to ex/include. Your story belongs to you.

    We’re feeling abit freer vicariously for having read you letter. Hope mucho that it has done the same for you. Thanks for this!

  6. You are very brave and courageous to share this. It’s always your choice whether to share or not and where to/where not to post anything. I’m still working through some of this, but…thank you for your strength and bravery.

    Take care.

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