Boys Will Be Boys…

Boys will be Boys

I was reading a discussion about a Swedish prosecutor who doesn’t know when to shut up over at Mortality’s Thoughts and couldn’t resist commenting myself.

There is a prosecutor who works in Stockholm. A few weeks ago in an interview with Sweden’s biggest newspaper he said,

“If you take a man and a woman who know each other and the woman says she doesn’t feel like it today and the man goes on anyway. Sure, it’s not very nice but not worth two years in prison”

This is the same man who said during a recent debate,

“Not having intercourse with someone against their will is an excellent social rule, but it fits more in a book on etiquette than in a law book.”

WTF? So my rapist just wasn’t very nice to me. Yeah, sure I was only thirteen and he was married with a kid and one more on the way. But he knew me and I just didn’t want to do it that day. He’s just a jerk, but since when do we send jerks to prison?

Yeah I know this is happening in Sweden, not here in the good ol’ United States of America. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that these kinds of thoughts aren’t prevalent here. It’s the whole “is it really worth ruining some poor boy’s life over something like this” mentality.

I recently had an old friend ask me if I felt one of my perpetrators deserved time in jail and should be on the sex offenders list. The “boy” he was asking about had assaulted me in my sleep. He did not rape me, but he did violate me none-the-less.

The question took my breath away. Immediately I wondered why he would ask me something like that. Did he NOT think my perp deserved punishment for committing a crime? Was I not harmed by what this “boy” had done to me? Was his being able to live his life without the harm of prison & shame from being on “the list” more important than the shame and harm I had to deal with as a result of the assault? It felt like a slap in the face.

Yes, I do think he deserved prison for what he did. Yes, I think he should be on the sex offenders list. He committed a crime. Yes he was young and stupid, but does that make what he did any less harmful?

This “boys will be boys” shit has got to stop!  It does no one any good. It harms our boys and our girls.  Our society needs to wake up and realize that we are at least partly responsible for the violence so prevalent in our communities.  We have to stop turning a blind eye and hold criminals accountable for their actions.  Not just the scary criminals you see in dark alleyways, but also the ones taking our daughters to the prom or playing baseball with our sons.  Nothing is going to change until we take a stand.


~ by After Silence on September 1, 2009.

17 Responses to “Boys Will Be Boys…”

  1. Excellent post… it’s so sad to see that people think this sort of thing is somehow OK! It’s not!! I am sorry for what you went through. 😦

  2. Thanks Sommer!

  3. […] by Kimberly Originally posted by me at After Silence. […]

  4. I’m sorry for what you went through *hugs*

    BTW, about the prosecutor being Swedish and stuff actually makes it scarier than if he’d been American. Sweden is supposed to be the most equal country in the world….

  5. Thanks Mortality, your article was great. I agree I think it is scary that this is happening in Sweden. The good ol’ USA part was meant for all those people who think these things only happen some where else. They happen everywhere and it sucks!

  6. My daughter was sexually abused by a friend of the family; she was 15, he 62. and of course we called the police, and of course we are in the midst of a court battle, so to speak, and of course my daughter has been called a slut, a whore, a girl who won’t put out with the boys at school because she only likes old men. Also of course, he is walking free (he does have an ankle monitor but is allowed to go to work, to AA meetings, to the store…all of the things he did before this!). And this is in good old podunk Idaho, so absolutely these things happen everywhere. I swear on all I hold holy that if I am told one.more.time. that I should just be glad he didn’t RAPE her (and yes, I am), I am going to lose it-because that totally diminishes what he DID do.

    what a great, terrible post; thank you.

    • Kori, my heart goes out to your daughter. Unfortunately, what many people don’t understand is that indecent exposure is just as traumatic as rape. The former isn’t less traumatizing than the latter. What makes it easier for the victim to recover is the support received from family and friends after the event.

  7. Kori, I am so sorry that happened to your daughter. I don’t blame you for being angry about the diminishing comments. What happened to her was wrong, whether he raped her or not. I am glad to hear you are standing by her and supporting her. Keep being strong!

  8. You’re exactly right, we’ve got to change the “boys will be boys” mentality. As far as the prosecutor goes, he’s just another example of a “Man” who feels that he has entitlement over women- so women should just except the fact that they should be convienant and give it to us men when they want it. Which makes me sick that I have to be classed in the same gender as people with this mind-set. I think he should’ve got more than two years personally! It’s people that are concrete in these deep seated skewed beliefs (like the prosecutor) that perpetuate the cycle and make our work so difficult! Thanks for writing about this!!

  9. Very well put, Jeremy. Thanks for being a man who stands up for women everywhere!

  10. I didn’t raised my only daughter,but never the less I loved her. I let her go to be with her grandparents,and her DAD after we divorced,but I thought it was just until I could get my nerves back together,I at first had her for about a year. Anyway I had visitation rights,and I sensed that she was being abused physcailly and mentally by her Step-brother,as it turnedout I told her Dad,and things seemed to be alright after that,well ther were things that caused me not to get to see her for along time.Much later ,after I still sent letters and calls,there was along break…She told me later she had been raped by him, Her Father never believed it,but she finally said she could get over it,but didn’t want to be around him.Anyways,this still affected her and because of this ,she doesn’t like men as anything but a pal . I still hold her up in prayer,and pray for the Lord to heal her and also for this boy to come to a place he gets caught and get help.The Lord is able to save and change a person,I pray that he will go to my daughter and aplogize and ask forgiveness.For we all are to learn to forgive,in order for us to be forgiven

  11. Actually, I believe Norway is supposed to be the best country for females.

  12. Your going to have ask “CRappers” to give up their money and their promotion of sexual abuse of women for sport. Li’L Wayne’s song “I wish I Could F*&K every girl in the World” should be banned not promoted. We have to stand strong on all fronts and know that ALL women are being attacked because of this ideology that they are nothing more than sex objects to do what they please with and then thrown away like a used tissue…Be Blessed, Take Care…Sha

    • Good point that we should ask “CRappers” to give up their money, but we should start at the top! They wouldn’t be getting any money to promote any objectification if it wasn’t for the corporate giants (white men) that are at the top making the decisions. So when we can minimize the idea of “sex sells” in this patriarchy with men in power- then we’ll see a dramatic reduction in the what society produces to be so dehumanizing and hurtful to women.

  13. […] Been Featured! We made the Blog Carnival Against Sexual Violence this past week. Boys Will Be Boys and Thoughts from a Secondary Survivor were both picked. We are so excited to be a part of this […]

  14. when i was ten my dads roommate came home drunk and did stuff to me while I was “sleeping” on the couch. I remember what he smelled like, and what he said. he stopped short of rape coz he realized in his drunken stupor that i was a kid. He only got his fingers in me. But i was used up WAY before that, starting when i was 4, and some after that, too.
    I don’t think i will ever be as strong as you to be able to say anything to anyone. Anyway, thanks for this website.

  15. Absolutely agree with u that the Boys Will be Boys mentality has to change. Worse still is the society & the people who take this silently in their stride. They don’t object to it and a sense of apathy prevails. I am surprised to learn this wrt Sweden but for sure it happens in most of Asia.

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